Should I Stay or Should I Go?

Let's get right to the point.

This whole Lina Joy thing is becoming extremely draining for me. When I first heard about it several months ago, I had a huge fight with my mother. Our weekly Catholic newspaper (The Herald) had written at great length about Article 11, and the team of lawyers behind her, why this court ruling will be historical etc.

My mom and I disagree about many things, and I am very vocal about what I don't agree with when it comes to dogma and the Catholic church. I am of the belief that religion is a personal relationship with God, and is not something anyone else should get involved with, especially clergy, much less the "elders" of the Church.

So the first time I saw this two page spread on the Lina Joy story I was quite irate. I don't like how things work in Malaysia. That you only fight for something when it concerns, what you as an individual constitute as "your people."

It's used every single day. The politicians are the best. They don't realise how bloody stupid they look saying this sort of crap, and how bigoted they really are, then try and nullify or downplay what they say, telling us the people who are concerned about their bigoted statements not to "blow it out of proportion."

What did that attention seeking megalomaniac moron say? He sold his ecmlibra shares to Malays, despite the fact that people of other races were offering him much more for it? Oh, so you sold shares that could potentially make you look bad to the Malays, sold them at a loss to kau punya orang la, to make up for it?

Real smart.

With Lina Joy, I felt initially that SOME Catholics were supporting her cause solely for the reason that she converted to Catholicism. Everything about Lina is now important to them because they look at it, as their religion under fire, and not someone's right to profess the faith they choose as guaranteed in the Constitution.

I asked my mother if she would have felt that empassioned about Lina's case, if she had instead converted to Taoism, or Buddhism or Hinduism? And I didn't get much of a response. I think it's utter bloody crap, to support something just because your people, the people you define yourself as part of, are in some form of trouble.

Anyway, as hard as I have tried to avoid it... the issue is becoming more and more prominent in our lives and it will not go away. I believe that there are many underground Christians or Muslims who have left their faith in Malaysia that live in silence. I personally do not know them or know anyone that knows them, but there are stories that you hear being discussed all around. I don't claim to know why they have left their religion as I believe they all have their own personal reasons to do so.

And I will support that right, because it is a right that has been awarded to us as citizens of this country.

Make no mistake that I have not once thought about this as an attack to my faith, but it would seem like that is so if I was someone who was easily riled up by the kind of abuse my religion is getting on forums all over the Internet. Christianity, Christians and everyone who is helping Lina is getting dragged right through the mud.

I've known, and I'm sure you've known that dialogue and debate in Malaysia seems to be almost impossible without getting into emotional arguments. Read the Hansard Parliament website minutes, if you really want to see what goes on with our electorate. Nothing great I tell you, makes me wonder what fools put them there in the first place?

I'm sick of this being trumpeted into an issue of Us vs. Them, because it has never been about that. While Islam might be the truth to some of you, or Buddhism might be the truth or Catholicism might be the truth, if someone of your faith chooses a path in which the religion they were born into, is no longer their truth, let God deal with them.

Not bloody you!

If you believe in the divinity of God, the omnipotence of Him, leave judgement to Him.

Do not take matters into your own hands, do not threaten the lives of those who work to help people regardless of race, color, or creed, solely working under the banner of humanity. It is about human rights, and not something for any one of you to raise your own exclucivist agendas.
It is not an Islam vs. Christianity thing.

Oh, and please, don't come to my blog and post comments about how it is an Islam vs. Christianity thing, because I won't be entertaining them. I do not support the people who are turning this issue into that fight, regardless of whether they are Muslim or Catholic.

I highly doubt Lina will win this one, however, I am for the fact that she came out with this, instead of choosing to keep quiet about it. Waiting for 5 years, to marry the man you love because the government in this country simply will not allow you a choice that only you should be able to make, is sad and it is dissapointing.

I have no words for this, and for the first time of my life, I am disgusted at the behaviour of the people in this nation. I have no words of hope for you today, I have no celebratory poems or quotes to celebrate this Independence. Why should I? We are still dependent on so many of the policies that divide each of us, and it is sad.

I am 23 years old, and a citizen of this country. Lina Joy is important to me only because of that. For no other reason. Already, under the Constitution there are so many things that make me different from my friends of the majority, and I don't need to be reminded of more things that are promised but never received, or never promised- at all, much to the dismay of those who have worked hard together and brought the country to what it is now, in the past 50 years, but will never be (not in my lifetime I think) recognised as equal, simply because we weren't here first.

For a country that is 49 years of age, we would be (in human form) a man or a woman, who has gone through all normal developmental processes and reached a year before the big five-oh, without actually learning anything or growing into anything fruitful. My friend G would call Malaysia, a waste of fresh air.

Duri

Editing a particularly stinky piece. I know now how my Editor feels -_*

I don't quite know why Sarah is holding herself this way. I'm sure it had something to do with the pile of work that is looming on the horizon. She's the new Editor nyuk nyuk.


I took this picture of Matthew. He's single and ready to mingle btw! Hehe.


Doyle DeCosta laughing at me while I painfully weed through another stinky piece. He has no mercy.

I don't quite know why I'm smilling like this. It's a mask, I tell you! It was a horrible day I remember, the newspaper got tore up (not literally!) by the advisor lecturer JV, 'cos he thought it was bad. Bleh. But, so far we've been getting okay reviews, it's normal for the usual hick-ups I guess. Oh well.


So now that the newspaper is wrapped up, we can show you what really goes on in the newsroom. Heh. A lot of frowning, freaking out and general clowning around.

*

I probably shouldn't be blogging right now, but I chock full of emotions and anxiety as to how to write, sorry, REwrite a piece. Me and my overzealous behaviour. I'm thankful however, I have help from my Editor who doesn't look down on me and my amateurist writing skills. He actually takes the time to help me figure things out, thank God.

So I went over to the office yesterday, all worried about my piece and rightly so, I'm working on an extremely tight deadline and extremely limited word count. So now, with some direction, I'll hopefully be able to get all this done by today. It's supposed to be my day off today, but I guess not. Work never stops eh?

Yesterday, J asked me whether I felt shit in coming in and having to do this despite the fact that I didn't have to take this on. I'm done with my internship, I really don't have to contribute or do anything anymore. But the thing is, it makes me different and it some ways I don't want to lose what I've learnt.
..
Let's face it, you don't really have to try that hard in college. The work I put in sometimes, I know, is quite sub-standard bla stuff, and I know it shouldn't be that way...but it ends up that way out of sheer laziness. This continuation of writing and pushing my limits, no matter how shit it makes me feel, keeps me alive.

I just have to remind myself of that, and all else will fall into place.

Messed Up, Hisham Rais and Other Things

(not in that order, either).

So, I met these guys from Youth for Change (Y4c) who are part of SMM (Solidariti Mahasiswa Malaysia), a coalition of 8 student activist groups, and Y4C organised a series of alternative Ethnic Relations courses, since well, we all know what happened with the UPM guide book right? And if you don't, I cannot be arsed to repeat it. Go google it foo.

Basically, it was a heaping pool of bigotry and misinformed facts, in a guide book meant to teach "the future of Malaysia," about the origins of the different ethnicities in the country. Yeah, you know.

So I went to the second class, I missed the first one which was with Prof. Syed Husin Ali, next week with Prof Osman Bakar, if I'm not mistaken. Email me if you really want to know: meeshlet AT gmail DOT com.

This week's session was with Hisham Rais, the reason Danny Lim's 18? was withdrawn from a film festival in Korea a month ago. Heh. And former ISA detainee and who was also involved in the Baling protests.

He's dead smaller than I imagined. Black hair tied up with a rubber band, with occasional white streaks. He wore this Hawaiian shirt, all vivid blues and pinks and yellows... held his pants up with a yellow and brown striped tie, that kept peeking out from his shirt, and then a jacket for, oh I don't know? Appearance sake?

(which he took off later when talking about control mechanisms, "I'm very angry now, I'm taking off my jacket!")

In Khai Loon's introduction of Rais, he mentioned:

KL: Dia juga merupakan tahanan ISA
HR: Eh! Bekaslah....

*titters*

Yeah, he's a funny dude. He went up to the board, and started with, "Eh, my tulisan very horrible..."

And he told no lies. It was.

It was quite serious from then on. I mean, he was funny. But what he was talking about wasn't. Despite the scattered delivery, he knows what he's talking about, and I'm happy Khai Loon and gang are organising these talks, and ending with Datuk Seri Anwar Ibrahim. It will be interesting to hear what these silenced voices have to say.

The crowd was largely Chinese, students from student groups, I'm assuming. I saw a lot of UPM Chinese Society, UM Chinese Society people, and I think in seeing this and interviewing Khai Loon and Rifa (member of Gabungan Mahasiswa Islam se-Malaysia, GAMIS), I've realised quite badly, how little I know about students in public universities in Malaysia. And I mean little.

Lainie looked to me at one point, after Khai Loon had said that Rais brought up many controversial points, and said "Was it controversial?" The thing is, it wasn't different from the stuff that she or I had been hearing for ages, but I think it was new to a lot of the people there. the question of ethnicity in Malaysia has been an extremely sensitive one for ages, and to see someone discussing it to a large number (well, 60 odd) of people in the Selangor MCA Youth Hall, was odd for me.

I kept expecting Special Branch to pop out at some point, and like frisk us, make us do nude squats, or like shave us bald or something. But, it was interesting to say the least and gave me a few things to think about, and no there were no SB people there. At least I think so. Since most of time they're not as inconspicuous as they think they are. They're really quite obvious hehe.

While I enjoy very much, hanging out with the people I do now, I realise many of the activities I indulge in... my live music, my TAG nights, my interaction with people everyday and the type of things we talk about, disagree and agree with are very similar. It's groupthink, even on the blogosphere sometimes, and being able to glimpse into the world of these students/activists... there's definitely a wider sphere of influence on these people, and I am not part of this very large group, which with no offence to them, are drive a lot by race and religion.

Which hasn't ever really mattered to me. But, they're showing an amazing inclination towards discussion of all the things Rais talked about that day and it left me hopeful. I saw a lot of nodding of the heads, and naturally I didn't give a shit about the Chinese and Indians who were nodding la, it was the most intriguing to me when a bunch of Malay students who I knew were in religiously driven student groups actually agreeing with Rais on a lot of the stuff he said.

I can't help it. My early experiences in primary school were peppered with horrible name-calling, holier than thou statements about how much better such and such's religion was, why I sembah a man on a stick, tu patung tau! You name it, so I was interested in seeing what the general bunch of people there were thinking.

Anyways, misinformed kiddie comments aside...

Stuff he said:

Biologically, it is completely inconsequential who you are in terms of ethnicity. "You think your DNA says anything about ketuanan Melayu ah? You're all the same la! This is your constructed identity given to you by society!"

"If he's a mother fucker, he's a mother fucker! Don't support him because he's Malay! That's the most backward way of thinking... Itulah pikiran orang yang bebal! At UPM, a Chinese boy was bullied and not one Malay student defended him. Not one. Even though they knew it was wrong. That's wrong."

"You and me can never be the same. But it is equality, we are interested in, not sameness. Tuntutlah itu, kesaksamaan bukan keserupaan."

"If you want to be safe, don't think. If you want to be safe, duduklah, gemuk, dengan Mercedes Benz, don't think!"

"Break from the notions of ethnicity that you have been forced into. Notions of ethinicity forced on you because of economic reasons..."

"Don't just blindly believe what people say. Some mullah says, no kongsi raya... then the 20 million Muslims in China, how? They all also cannot kongsi raya?!"

"You, students, you're being divided by the sunat side, the takde sunat side. The makan babi side, the tak makan babi side...its stupid!"

"You all claim to be multi-racial. But are you? You are one dimensional! You are form groups under banners of race or religion. I'm trying to tell you that your humaness is bigger than your banners of race and religiousness. Why can't you be under the human banner?"

"Celebrate your diversity. This is my Vision 2020. It's only through diverse opinion, that we can truly celebrate our diversity. I'm opposed to sameness, but all for equaliy."


It was beautiful to see, it made me hopeful.


*

Shaina Jayne and Sneha Andreya will now officially be members of the Catholic church. I don't know how they feel about this, but I am one part of the Godparent duo. I'm supposed to be guiding their spiritual development. Right before the ceremony I was freaking out, because I suddenly realised what a big thing this is to me.

Naturally, Steve, the Godpa, had to ruin the sappy moment. He proudly announced at the big family lunch after, that we would take care of them, teach them good things and nothing about drinking in the afternoon (cracks open a Tiger beer), or drinking at all... and everyone laughed. :P It was mortifying to say the least, then they all looked at me as if I was going to be the twins' saving grace or something.

I'm barely together myself. I don't even know what kind of aunt I'm going to be let alone, godparent! I haven't been seeing them in ages. I've had so much work, and classroom assignments for the newspaper, events to attend... I mean, the list is long and neverending. As soon as I finish one thing, then 5 others appear. It's like some version of hell, in Haw Par Villa.

Minus the evilfuckwittrolls. Although, I could easily name some people who fit that description.

It's not that I don't enjoy what I'm doing, and the fact that I am sometimes secretly glad I have all this work, so I don't have to deal with the reality of things that are always, always, occuring simultaneously around me.

I'm nursing a heavy heart, because of a relationship that isn't working out the way I want it to. It's my fault, to some extent and the rest of it, it's just life. Nothing I can do about it, but worry. Which is wrong. In the Sunscreen song, Baz calls it as useful as "solving an Algebra equation by chewing bubble gum." But I am a worry wart. I can't help it. For the sake of my sanity, and my brain constantly asking "What if?" I am going to abandon this ship, it is sinking and not out of my own volition, so I must save myself.

Although, I'd like very much to save you too, 'cos you make live beautiful and hopeful for me.

Back to writing. Eugh.


If, if youre afraid that I won't make the grade, well then I'll sail this ship alone and if, if you agree to him instead of me, well then I'll sail this ship alone... If, if you swear that you no longer care, well then I'll sail this ship alone- I'll Sail This Ship Alone, Beautiful South.

Kemanisan Berduka

Hari ini,
kemungkinan yang kau takkan berada di sini lagi
baru terlintas ruang hidupku
dan aku mencintai diriku
mengingkatkan
sentuhan tangan kau
dua hari yang lepas
bila tangan kita bertemu di bawah meja makan.
Setahu aku, setakat itulah perjalanan cinta kita
kerana engkau sudah dipunyai
yang lain.


yang bukan aku.

*I've been listening to the remake of New Order's Bizzarre Love Triangle, by Frente! Sigh, damn emo now. Yeah, poem inspired by the song which has been playing on repeat in the car, on the PC and in my head.


Have a pleasant and meaningful weekend where we hope there will be a chance you connect with someone and feel human again and just for once you will be where you're meant to be, not floating...

Confusion

Quick update.

Went to the Youth for Change (Y4C) alternative classes for Ethnic Relations thing last night, where Hisham Rais spoke. I suppose I have something to say about it, but it's just such a horrible time right now. I've got about 50 million things to do.

Write my piece for OTE, then do some research, go for the PR students launching at Jam Asia on Saturday night (where Superbar will be playing GO!!), go and be a godmother while my nieces get baptised on Sunday, do the family lunch thing, go for rehearsal at my cousin's place in case I do something stupid at the church, I think it involves holding a candle etc. don't want to set fire to the pretty white baptismal dresses you know :P

My bestfriend's mom has been ill for awhile and I really have to make it a point to visit her. Oh god, MANDARIN classes!





When will it stop?

On a more positive note, I have muzik! Great happy, sad, depressing, meaningful music. I heart muzik. Really, if you want meesh to be happy make her a mix CD.



If you wanna be my friend, you want us to get along...Please do not expect me to wrap it up and keep it there. The observation I am doing could easily be understood as cynical demeanour. But one of us misread... and what do you know, it happened again- Misread, Kings of Convenience.

Spin Cycle

"He's sharing a bed with her meesh, and she doesn't even know where he is half the time. What kind of a relationship is that? Do you honestly want to go out with a guy like that?" she said, while blowing furious jets of smoke out her mouth, shaped like an O. Funnel.

Funny, I've always asked myself these same questions. To hear them out in the open sometimes, it strikes me as odd. But, naturally, this needs to stop, because it's making me feel bad. There's an absence, and nothing is coming around.

Would it be horrible to answer yes to your question?



I cant always be waiting waiting on you, I cant always be playing playing your fool- Sitting, Waiting, Wishing, Jack Johnson.

Nighte Oute Withe The Chickes.

The past week has been decidedly hectic. Being the Editor for the first issue of the college newspaper is not something I wanted to do at all. The kinks, the delays and the miscommunications are killing me and I'm totally stressed out.

As of now, our printing deadline is supposed to be this Wednesday and we have yet to finalise the quotation or the final amount of ad's that are going to be in this issue. But, I spoke with the printer dude this morning, and he's agreed to cut it down by 300 bucks!

ph33r my negotiation skillz nigga!

Actually it went like this:

Me: Please la Tim!

Tim: Er...

Me: Pleeeeeeeeease? Pleeeeeeeeeease? Pleeeeeeeeeeese?

Tim: Ok la. Ok.

Me: Thank you!!


I freak out internally everyday. Just got home and the main page is laid out, editorial and pictorial. Tommorow the News sections need to be finalised. The student activist piece that Sarah and I sniffed out turned out DEAD WELL. Really. I'm dead proud of it.

Btw, I got my copy of Off The Edge, OTE for this month, and God it feels so good to see that bloody piece I slaved over all nice and glossy in the mag. I have issues with the editing and one paragraph but it turned out really well.

I busted my ass on that one. You try writing about vodka when you know jack about alcohol, except to drink. :P Haha. The irony, my first real article is on alcohol.

So, last week, the girls and I, on account of May Lyn and Winnie being home and Sarah just being around la, decided to go out and have a little fun. It started first with Nazrul (thank you!) getting us tickets for U-Wei's latest, Wangi Jadi Saksi, which for some reason sounded better in theory... (read OTE last month for context on U-Wei, who I totally have the hots for, he's an effing genius). I was about to walk up to him and make him mad, cos he likes chicks who make him mad, but I decided against it. ;)

Oh and watch out for the twist ending. Maybe I didn't quite get it because my Malay was so rusty? I'd do a review but I don't think I'd do it any justice. I must say however, that the one I liked best was the Jebat portrayal by Sobri Anuar. It was excellent!



Next we attended a show by John Kennedy and the Assasins who played at Zouk and it was somehow related to Hennessy which I must say tastes rather alright when mixed with ginger ale, also not one of my favorite mixers.

The night was going alright when all of a sudden, I spotted a very familiar face. The Ex.

The Ex at Zouk? Yeah, it's so not his scene.

Me: Oh hi, what you doing here?
Him: Oh here with some friends.
Me: Oh ok.

*awkward silence lasting for 189410958109851581 minutes*

Me: Ok bye!


*freak out*

Actually, I was quite calm about it I think. Handled it very well. Proceeded to dance the night away at TAG. It was a well-deserved night, I haven't gone anywhere in ages and I didn't spend much money, and I had great company!

One Wilde Nighte?

Vocalist for John Kennedy, love the belt, love the dress, love everything!

Washroom pictures always turn out real nice. It's just that it's kind of hard getting people to stop staring at you and the friend camwh0ring.

As you can see, my Photoshop skills are dead mediocre, but I am learning so shut it. Winnie and Sarah are very fotogenik tau!

Yeah, I also don't know why we keep pouting.

Understands the contextsz biznitches!

I love the song, you should download it. And just for that night, that's what we were, forever young.

Yesh, margharitas for 25, and after 3 jugs we were still completely sober after spending 15 between the 5 of us. I wonder why?

Conversation to remember:

"A relationship is supposed to help you grow, and this means growing together. The moment you find yourself not growing with the other person, and it becomes a decaying mess you ought to leave it."

Thank you for reminding me.

Oh, and the disparaging comments sent my way needs to stop. I'm not standing for this shit anymore. I am more than how I look, I'm not saying it doesn't affect me but for the first time in my life, with everything I have done in the past few months, I can safely look in the mirror and be proud of myself, truly.

I love meesh.