It all started about two weeks ago when my Uncle came down to have some drinks with my cousin, her husband and me. It wasn't like they ganged up on me or anything, it was part of the conversation, but I knew that it was coming to some extent.
He brought up the fact that I had told my aunt I got an "offer" from a major oil and gas company. But, not doing what I studied or what I was more passionate on doing, which is writing. If I joined the O&G company, I'd have to do more PR based stuff, which I don't like, and my fear is I will take the job, because it will be the "right" thing to do, and I will then wake up every morning hating it.
So we all have to do stuff we don't like, right? So they say.
Well. Part of me is sick and tired of it. I ended up crying in front of them that night, and I think my uncle freaked out a little bit. Sometimes, all this talk of me being responsible because I am the oldest, my mother and her sisters have done so much for me, fillial piety.... it's all eating away at my soul.
I'm not being dramatic, really. I'm so tired. I'm floating aimlessly. I'm already in debt from loans for my education and I haven't even begun working. I'm trying to negoatiate the most lucid meaning I can from this without feeling any resentment towards my family, but it's hard, and it's an uphill battle, everyday sometimes.
Today, one of my closest friends returned from her sojourn, and she has definitely found what she has been looking for. Seeing her talk about her life, her man, her passion which is writing, the same as me, really put things in perspective for me.
I've never come from a family where I got things when I wanted it. Neither have I been the kind to demand it, it's always been long struggles to get where I am. I am proud of myself for that, but sometimes it's so fucking hard. I keep paying for the mistakes that other people have made, and it takes a lot out of me.
The times when people have slipped me money. Paid for my dinner, and in no certain terms have told me to ask them "If you need anything..." It cuts me to the very deepest part of me. And I don't think a lot of people in my generation understand the enormity of what I have to do, and the responsibilites I have to fulfill.
I've stopped bitching about it, and have resigned myself, and I don't use this word like a slur, to doing what I have to do. But I am not happy... and I am weary. I've realised that after the break-up with the Ex, with my dad's business doing badly, his gambling and his total disregard for accepting his responsibilities, and my brother needing to be educated and my mom retiring in 4 years, there are a lot of things for me to think about.
And the fact that it's all coming now, at one go, is just too much for me to bear sometimes. And it hurts so bad. I don't really have people to discuss this with, and I think my pride takes a huge blow everytime I talk about it, so I generally just keep quiet about it. But the people that I have talked to have all said things that have made sense, and grounded me for awhile.
But today, while my friend went on and on about her passion for writing and how she never minded the crap pay and the shitty 60 hour weeks and the people she's met, down to the communal cigarette breaks she takes with her co-workers, I have realised that that is exactly what I want. It is what I live for, it is what I have spend four years of my life preparing for and am prepared to do for the rest of my life, because I love it.
But I may not be able to have it at this point in my life, and I'm trying to negotiate this reality. About how she's going to move out with her boyfriend and when they get started her mom might be able to help out with rent and take care of a few things, it really hit me.
She's able to live for herself, to do what she wants and be the person she wants to be, and that I might simply never be able to, not because I don't have to capacity to do it, but simply because I might have to walk a different path due to circumstances in which I have no control over, to an extent. And it really does suck. This is no way is a pity-party, tommorow comes and I am me again. Dealing, facing, moving, living.
But, just for tonight, I wanted to share this with you. This small, tiny part of me, and the terror I sometimes feel at not having it all "together."
