Gnarly

Because I feel gnarly.

-Picture taken at a femes Catholic cemetary in Penang that was just beautiful. I'm not morbid, I just love cemetaries and the peace and calm they bring, okay!

Penunggu

Just because, the skies are really fluffy today and I am waiting, always waiting...



Tiap-tiap hari aku bangun dan ingatkan muka dia. Tak nak lupakan dia.
Sebenarnya, bukan tak nak...
Tak boleh.

Tiap-tiap hari aku bisik dalam hati aku, "Today might be the day."

Aku tahu, akhirnya jugak jalan hidup kita berdua akan bersimpangan. Lepas tu ape?
Tunggu lagi, bukan?

Berapa kali lagi aku kena bangun bersendirian?
Basuh rambut bersendirian, masak bersendirian...
Tidur bersendirian.

Tangan aku kosong, mengharapkan tangan kau yang
kasar
(tapi yang pentingnya, itu tangan kau, bukan tangan orang lain)
But I'm just being honest.

Pada hari-hari yang macam ni,
Bila sebelah kiri katil aku sejuk,
Cahaya matahari terik dan langit berawan gebu
Aku teringatkan kau
dan hajat aku ialah
untuk kau kembali menjadi figmen imaginasiku.

(Idola emel atas pedestal kuning keemasan)

Realiti kita,
tak boleh aku gunakan
melainkan tulis poem unconventional dan
yang emo macam ni.

Sudahlah.
Pedestal engkau menunggu.

-30th May, 10.40 AM.

Chivalry Is Not As Dead As I Thought It To Be

At least not on nights out with Z.

I can hear all my friends buzzing with excitement while reading this, no, I am not seeing anyone. I'm rather enjoying singledom, save for the slight problem of no human MALE touch, but I will deal with that in due time (or when a irresistible option presents itself).

I just got home from having a drink with Z. He's a friend I've known from primary school, so that's about 16 years now. We've had our childish battles and the whole "Kite kawan die tipu-tipu ye!" crap, and stuck with each other through horrible grades, break-ups, battling friends, backstabbers, hypocrites. To make a long story short, he's one of the better man friends I have.

And I assure you, it is entirely possible to be friends with a guy without being attracted to him. Although in my current state any new man friend is for the taking, with mutual consent, ahem. ;)

Z is your rich, ultra-Melayu type. He's a mix, from Perak I think and he is an anomaly to me. His lifestyle and mine are completely different, how we managed to stay friends and be involved with each others lives for so long remains a mystery to me.

Take for example today, he clad in his usual lawyer attire (he's a Law student at UiTM, see UiTM some more!), Armani shirt, Armani pants, Gucci watch and Razr-ly mobile accesoried. Me in my 3-people-fit-this Nine Inch Nails band tribute shirt and chaplang Petaling Street jeans which I can't fit into anymore 'cos its just to worn, in a local anak Datin/anak Datuk hangout.

And we always get stares. It's quite funny really, and I enjoy it. I'm always the token Indian! :D

And Z makes me happy. He makes me feel so needed when I'm with him. He was brought up well I must say, so the lelaki Melatu sejati. Well, not quite, but very the berbudi bahasa.

He holds doors for me.
Opens the car door (!) on occasion.
Pays for my meals, without me asking.
Guides me in crowded places, with a casual hand, that is never offensive or suggestive.
(Although, in my man it would be nice it were occasionally suggestive lah).
Orders for me and makes me feel like a princess.

And he always calls me for advice on the important things, career, love, relationships, family.

He's even cried once in front of me.
(Which I thought was really sweet okay...)

He is impeccable with manners.
My mom has been known to say, after minum teh sessions at our place with Z present, "If only he wasn't Muslim..." and after, letting out a big sigh. Heh.

Today's problem was slightly weird because he's been as single as I've been in such a long time and he didn't know how to handle the prospect of having someone be with him now. A girl is in love with him and he isn't sure if he's ready. Ever the romantic, he ascribes to this emotional relationship roller-coasters and is much open with his feelings, unlike me.

It's a quality I admire in him. What he wants, he gets, because he believes he deserves it, and it is admirable. I know this because I often shortchange myself with worry and the lack of confidence that I deserve better or can even hope for better.

In addition to making me feel so much like a woman and making me feel needed, he teaches me things about myself that I don't usually see, or have seen but have not appreciated.

As I was getting out of the car, he asked me for parting words and I said:

Do the right thing sayang.

And he says:

But meesh, what is the right thing?

You'll know it when it happens Z.



And I hope I too, will know it when it happens.

And the night ended with him waiting for me until I got into my house and locked the gate!
Aduhai, sayang aku kat budak tu.


Goodnight young ones, and thank God Monday is bloody over.

Email to Myself.

Yeah, I sent an email to myself. In my present state (confused), I needed something (to be loved). So, devoid of other people and other influences at 6.00 PM last night, I thought, "I will make myself feel better, myself!" Here is what I sent to me:

From me to you, because its true.

love me,
meesh.

You are so beautiful and I am a fool
to be in love with you
is a theme that keeps coming up
in songs and poems.
There seems to be no room for variation.
I have never heard anyone sing
I am so beautiful
and you are a fool to be in love with me,
even though this notion has surely
crossed the minds of women and men alike.
You are so beautiful, too bad you are a fool
is another one you don't hear.
Or, you are a fool to consider me beautiful
That one you will never hear, guaranteed.

For no particular reason this afternoon
I am listening to Johnny Hartman
whose dark voice can curl around
the concepts of love, beauty and foolishness
like no one else's can.
It feels like smoke curling up from a cigarette
someone left burning on a baby grand piano
around three o' clock in the morning;
smoke that billows up into the bright lights
while out there in the darkness
some of the beautiful fools have gathered
around little tables to listen,
some with their eyes closed,
other leaning forward into the music
as if it were holding them up,
or twirling the loose ice in a glass,
slipping by degrees into a rhythmic dream.

Yes, there is all this foolish beauty,
borne beyond midnight,
that has no desire to go home,
especially now when everyone in the room
is watching the large man with the tenor sax
that hangs from his neck like a golden fish.
He moves forward to the edge of the stage
and hands the instrument down to me
and nods that I should play.
So I put the mouthpiece to my lips
and blow into it with all my living breath.
We are all so foolish,
my long bebop solo begins by saying,
so damn foolish
we have become beautiful without even knowing it.

Nightclub, by Billy Collins.



And I did feel better.

Emotional Filing System

I've been having very bizzare reactions with friends for a bit now. I don't know if I have turned into a complete and total prude or if I'm the one who's right in being myself.

Had a conversation with PV, and I found out that she's been cheating on her steady boyfriend of 3 years. And she's perfectly fine with it, she's just curious, she's happy she's doing it now and not later, if/when they are married.

And I'm trying not to be judgemental ok, because I know it doesn't serve a purpose. But, I don't know how to bring myself to understand this concept. She calls it compartmentalizing. Love is love, boyfriend is boyfriend, lust is lust, fling is fling.

Part of me wishes I knew how to draw that line. I've never been able to, thus far. I've had my own share of flings, and drunken advances, nights of passion etc. but I always have the memory of feeling really horrible later, and then proceeding to do the "right" thing. I've had the whole friends with benefits thing, and I've seen what it does to you, someone will always inevitably fall in love and that's it. It ends in complete and total shit. And I cannot bear breaking other people's hearts, and most of all I don't think I can bear someone breaking mine right now. It's just too fucking soon.

What the hell is the "right" thing? So if you're offered something potentially satisfying (I'm guessing it would be satisfying, I could be far off from the mark), do you take it and then wait and see if you feel anything (you know there will be something to be felt), or reject it completely (like a good Christian girl :P)? It's just not worth it. And to complicate matters further, what if this person is seeing someone? Do you then guilt yourself into not getting involved?

What if there's a boatload of chemistry? And you feel that the next time its pushed into your desperate freaking face you might just jump him?


Kill me now. Why can't we just be fucking apes and pick kutu instead of all this childishly boring nuances of the relationship game? Ghargh.

Just get a stake la, plunge it into my red bleeding heart.
(I'm Indian, I can be dramatic, what's your excuse?)


Btw, I'm making it Pete Yorn day, so listen to everything Pete. And have a good weekend, don't get drunk and feel poopy like me.

Read me the letter, baby,
Do not leave out the words.
Stories and cigarettes ruined lives of lesser girls,
And I wanna know,
‘Cause I want you to know,

And it’s a strange condition,
A day in prison,
It’s got me out of my head
And I don’t know what I came for.

You know you’re the best thing ever
To come out of this place,
Hey I want you to know,
‘Cause I wanna know

So leave out the others, baby,
Say I’m the only one.
-Strange Condition, Pete Yorn.

Come back home for another year
And find yourself in the thick of it
Come back home for another year
I always thought that you could handle this

And you know you're hard enough
And you find you're strong enough
And you feel you're strong enough

Come back home for another year
And ask yourself if you could handle this
Say my name before you disappear
I always thought that you could handle this
-Come Back Home, Pete Yorn.

Spillage

I have so much to say I don't even know where to begin.

Something bad happened last weekend, regarding the Ex, compromising pictures, and another person. It was devastating to say the least. This whole idea of a person you know, totally ruined. Part of me of was still clinging on to God knows what.

Memorable Release:

DL asked for the postcard to the restaurant the Ex took me to the night before I broke up with him, and it felt good to give it away, finally (been three months). Yeah, our anniversary dinner. I can be a cold hearted bitch, but I had to do it. It was killing me, and it was killing him.

He just didn't know it yet.

Strange Coincidences?

Three people have told me to ask the Man in the Sky for what I really want. Be specific. I started off with asking for un-problematic Internet access.

I'll work on the men and life thing later. So don't say I'm a girl who doesn't know her priorities ah.

Lustful Longing:

The shape of muscular thighs clothed in black pants. The cigarette smoke and laundry. Wit, sharp and razor-edged. Rain mixed with smells of freshly washed male. Beer drinking on weekends, just to let tongues loose. Strange and beautiful music paired with an undeniable attraction in a congested mess of metal and tar. Phosphorecence at midnight and a million different pixelated thoughts that aren't being said, but thought.


I really want you just for one moment.


Before you slip away to where you came from, and cause me serious hurt. Like mercury poisoning in kerang. Not the most romantic of comparisons, but whatever.


Working Woman:

It's good. Having fun, despite the negativity! >:| I know I'm new, let me enjoy it!

Ok that is all I can decipher at this time. Bleh.

Flying Back

The only reason why I love flying in our beloved national carrier:


On the route back home from New York after being away for over a year, the captain tells you you've reached your destination (safely) and to have a pleasant stay for all those visiting, and to Malaysians he says,



Welcome home.



It sends chills down my spine every time it happens. The first time I heard it, I teared! So jiwang, even though it was almost 40 degrees outside in Sepang and the palm trees were sweating, and I had just come from 5 degrees snow-stormed Buffalo.

Welcome home alright, to finding my niche, good friends, an existent career path and rewriting.



*


Yeah, that was a cryptic meesh post. Decipher it. It's off to work for me, where I will stumble across my Gerbil, hiding under the desk listening to interviews.

Ava Adore

As I sit here and write, Ava usually lies on my feet. Not near my feet, or next to my feet, but on my feet.

But she isn't here anymore. We gave her up for adoption on Monday to the SPCA where we originally got her from almost a year ago. It's been the worst two days ever.

I am shocked that I miss her so much and my mom and I are constantly getting weepy around each other. Just yesterday she called me from work like 8 times! And both of us don't sleep at night anymore. So when we meet on the landing, we look down at the stairs and comment on how that was Ava's sleep spot, where she used to sleep while we slept.

We had to give her away because of her fur dropping all the time (despite brushing, changing foods etc.), and with my mom's chronic asthma it was beginning to get extremely unhealthy for her. The fact that my brother might not be around and neither will I sometimes (work, college etc.), also worried my mom because Ava and I are extremely close and the dog might be neglected. The possibilities of moving might also be on the horizon...

She's young, so the SPCA will get her a home. Not to mention the fact that she is really pretty. I've been praying she gets a good home where the owners will have ample time to spend with her and love her, maybe do more than what my family could have done for her. The thing about having a pet is that you have to be immensely committed and have a lot of money to spend on them and I think sometimes we delve into these things without having enough time to think about it.

While the money isn't an issue right now, as Ava is extremely healthy- she's had her shots, been spayed and takes vitamins and her heartworm doses constantly-commitment, might be an issue here. My brother might not be coming home for awhile and I start interning on Monday, and she will be all alone, and Ava isn't used to it.

:(


I'm going to miss every little thing about her.

Her psychotic running around the house.
Her warm body snuggled next to mine under the blankets.
Her wet kisses.
Her loyalty, now, no one follows me around the house and waits patiently outside the toilet as I pee.
Her enthusiasm when we come home, even if we've gone out for just 5 minutes to the shops. She waits for my mom to come home everyday from 6 PM onwards, on the nights my mom works late and comes home just before 11, Ava won't eat and will sit outside waiting.
And when my mom does come home, all hell breaks loose :)
Her incessant whining in the morning for us to wake up and come and spend time with her.
How she she looks when she just wakes up, so blur and cute.
How she sleeps like a vulgar tramp, with her legs wide open for all to see.
How she sits on my couch like a human and is about the only dog I know who tolerates being cradled like a baby.

Looking up at Krystle who wouldn't come down and get mauled (lovingly) by Ava.

Ava and I.

Trying to hump Sarah's leg.

Lying down morosely on the kitchen floor 'cos I wouldn't give her a treat.

Her favorite spot, next to mom's armchair which she has bitten (look closely).

Still beggin with her puppy dog eyes

Sitting down on the couch and watching the TV.

Now I have no Ava.

What I do have:

a broken heart
lumps of her fur flying around to remind me she's not here
sporadic discoveries of her hiding places, where my mom and I found rawhide bones she hid and her favorite toy, a yellow ducky.
an empty, lonely house

and most importantly, a lesson in never doing this again.

I don't think I can ever have pets again, this devastation is immense and something I wouldn't care to repeat. What makes it worse is, Ava is probably thinking the same thing.


And my feet are cold.

Sifting Through Crap

Well, the hits are coming back to normal after the Gubra post, now all but my 3 readers will be entertained again. Not, that I check my hit meter or anything.

I totally write for myself. Totally.


So much has been going on and not very good stuff either, but I am too tired right now to explain things, and I really need to sleep. Good night and good luck.